07 Mar Everything has to be perfect
Something that defines me; EVERYTHING HAS TO BE PERFECT
This is probably the reason I have a hard time opening up. I am a perfectionist. I think you can call it; I SUFFER from perfectionism. It’s a real struggle for me, day in day out. Even the tiniest things like choosing which photo to post on my Instagram is sometimes a disaster. There is a voice in my head (Am I really crazy? I don’t know..😅) who’s saying things like; Is this the best photo of the shoot? Is your face not too bitchy? Sad? Happy? Is the lighting okay? I literally stare at my post for at least half an hour (most of the time way longer) before I click post.
Here are some of my imperfect things (I have to make sure are ‘good’ or ‘not to bad’ looking on my photo/Instagram post) :
-I only have one ‘good side’ of my face (I recently posted photo’s of the ‘bad side’ of my face because for the first time I actually did like the photo.. haha)
-I have laugh lines when I smile too much (I know, almost everybody does but I just don’t like them)
-I really don’t like my hands because I bite my finger nails which I think looks very unattractive.
So this is the checklist in my head before posting a photo:
Good side? Check. No lines? Check. Fingers not too noticeable? Check. And then I actually have to like my photo which is in my case quite a task.
Now you might understand the (sometimes) disaster called Instagram post haha!🤣 It sometimes drives me so crazy, I have to ask other people for their opinion to make my choice. Because if it would be up to just me I would never post anything because let’s face it; it’s never good enough for me. And I’m not only talking about Instagram. Everything I do is simply not good enough for me. I know I’m way too hard to myself but it’s a feeling I can’t shake off, it’s with me all the time.
Sometimes when I look back at something where I was super stressed about, I can make fun of it, like, why was I stressed about this in the first place? It was no big deal at all and me and my family laugh about it. We all know that this is me. This is Amanda.
This ‘perfectionism’ of mine is the main reason I started this challenge, I’m opening up; soon everyone will be able to know everything about me including all my ‘imperfect’ things. This way I’m not able to be ‘perfect’ anymore. Will it make things easier for me? I hope so, I hope I can truly accept me.
I’m insecure, I have been for a long time now. It started when I was around 12 years old. My perfectionism grew which boosted my anxiety of failure. I went to special groups for anxiety of failure but nothing helped me. I now know why. I never accepted my perfectionism, I wanted to get rid of it but believe me that’s not how it works. In order to change things we sometimes need to accept them first. So this challenge is my first real attempt of accepting everything about myself and then later I can try to let it go and embrace my imperfect things instead of pushing them away as hard as I can and pretending they’re not there.
My ‘perfectionism’ isn’t all bad, there are aspects to it where I’m truly happy about but I will talk about that in another ‘something that defines me’. 😁